Disappointment

As you can tell from the title, there has been some news that has been rough to handle, some more difficult than others. Mainly two things happened recently. First, David was laid off from his job because they couldn't afford to keep him. A little good news came out of that however; they were impressed with his ethic and he was definitely re-hirable. They also told him that come February will be the new fiscal year for them and if there are any positions open he would be the first they called.

Now on to the more recent, more emotionally hard to write about. As some of you might know, we've been trying for a family. We knew that God was telling us we would start a family here in Cincinnati, so we've been doing what we can and I've been trying to naturally help my body heal and increase progesterone. There have been a few times we thought "this might be it" but it wasn't, but this time was even harder to deal with. I'd never been this late before, and there were other signs-or rather non-signs- that this time might really be for real. Then today my body told me otherwise. I don't know if it was a miscarriage or not, but something happened that leads me more towards it than away. I keep thinking "it's not fair" because my thinking had even changed to way I'd never thought before, and I thought maybe that was God's way of saying it was real this time. I feel like my body keeps tricking me and then getting revenge by giving me pain for the rest of the day. It's really hard to trust God right now; I still do, but each time this happens I'm more and more confused. I wish I could find out if there's any other reason I'm having such trouble, but frankly we just can't afford it.

I'm sorry if some of that didn't make much sense, I'm still kind of down about it. I feel like giving up, but I know I can't. Emotionally I want to give up, physically I don't, mentally I don't know what I think.