My fertility is a complicated, emotional subject. Let me start by saying I have wanted kids practically since puberty. I have always had that fire in me, and every time I saw a baby I squealed and just had to hold him/her. Whenever I was bored I would make or edit my list of baby names, and of course stuff a pillow under my shirt to see what I would like with a pregnant belly. Even when David and I were still dating we ironed out the names we wanted, which mostly came from my list.
Fast forward to being married for about 6 months; I caught the baby bug bad! I had been on birth control pills, so I quit taking those (unfortunately I was too excited and dumped half a month's worth into the toilet) after David agreed to try. So we started trying roughly in February and basically got pregnant right away. To say I was excited would be a gross understatement. I was ecstatic! I became obsessed with knowing everything about pregnancy, to the point of annoying David. I would watch all the pregnancy shows, read all the books, and my favorite thing to do was research. However, the one thing I refused to think about was if something went wrong with my pregnancy.
Since it was my first pregnancy, I didn't go to the ob/gyn until I was supposed to be about 12 or 13 weeks along. But that's when things started to go down hill. At the appointment, which was in early June, she tried to find a heartbeat but couldn't, and when she measured my uterus she said I was about 10 weeks, which was small but not necessarily a bad thing, so she scheduled an ultrasound. That was really exciting for me because that was what I really looked forward to (besides hearing the heartbeat). That Friday when David and I went to the ultrasound ( he had gone to the doctor too), they couldn't see anything-not even a sac. I was really scared so I got my levels taken again, and they ended up being negative. I had lost the baby. I found out the day before my birthday that I had had a missed miscarriage. It was devastating, to say the absolute least. It doesn't matter if you haven't felt the baby kick yet, or even hear the heartbeat; just knowing that there was baby inside you and it's gone, it's just crushing. It took me a long time to move on.
Thankfully, during that time I had a lot of support (since I told everyone I knew that I had gotten pregnant, I had to tell them the hard news). People I knew who had went through miscarriages I never knew about, and a close family friend I used to babysit for who had difficulties in the past, all helped me get through it. She also suggested I get my progesterone levels checked (the hormone that keeps the pregnancy going when it's a certain level). I figured it couldn't hurt, so I took her advice. Your progesterone level should be at minimum a 10, and mine was a 9.5. My doctor said I had/have what's called the luteal phase defect; this basically means that the time in my cycle when my body's natural hormone is supposed to launch from ovulation and carry through either until my period or a pregnancy can be sustained by the placenta. Once I figured that out, I learned I could go on hormones that would raise my levels so that a pregnancy would have a fighting chance. So I let my body heal for a while, then we started trying again. Around Christmas I was excitedly nervous when I got pregnant for the second time. David and I spent Christmas with my family and when I told my parents my mom couldn't have been happier (she screamed and jumped up and down). I knew the hormones were working because I was feeling the morning sickness and other symptoms. My hCG (the hormone that is only in a woman's body when she is pregnant) was 81, when the first time it was an 18. I was confident this time was going to "stick" as I call it. I was happy. However, my doctor still wanted me to get my levels checked, just to be sure. When we got back from staying the week with my parents I was tested. It wasn't good. I was going to have a chemical pregnancy, which means that the egg was fertilized but didn't implant. I had my period shortly after. It was just as devastating, if not more, than last time.
Once I finally moved on from that experience, my emotions toward getting pregnant has drastically changed. I try not to stress, and I know that even if I find out I'm pregnant, I won't be excited until I reach the second trimester with no issues. I went on and off hormones for a few months, because I tried a different hormone and it actually completely killed my sex drive. I took myself off of them.
I do need to say one thing though; all of my friends who have been married less time and are younger and have gotten pregnant quickly or easily, I do envy. I get jealous, but God and I are working on that. Through all this, I have yelled at God, questioned him; basically gone through the stages of grief. But without Him (and David, and all my support-but mostly God) I don't know how I would have made it through everything.
Recently I have decided to try to increase my hormone levels naturally (mostly because I couldn't get in to see the doctor until August [this month] and I didn't want to wait). So we will see what happens. Only God knows. Both of us really want to be parents so bad right now! We've already been told we would be great parents. We are ready whenever God is ready.
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