After too long a hiatus of not writing, I've discovered that trying to write a book right off the bat was too intimidating for me, as it should be. So I am now attempting something on a bit smaller of a scale, such as short stories, or even articles. I'm not sure what to write about, but I'm taking my inspiration from wherever I can get it. However, until my writing takes off, I need another way of helping bring income to our family.
I like working at Sonic, but I'm not making enough money there, especially since it's getting cooler and business is slow. So David and I have applied at Amazon and are waiting for them to call back to go forward with the interview. The only reason we weren't interviewed right away was because we have worked with them before and they have to make sure weren't fired or anything. Hopefully we will hear something soon, but we're not really worried about it. It's the waiting game we hate the most. Another financial instability right now is our cars. It seems like everything breaks at the same time and right around paycheck time, but we can get through this. God will provide as He always has and always will.
On a different note, my spiritual walk hasn't been the best lately. I haven't been on fire like I used to, and David's Facebook status made that clear to me. Of course his walk hasn't been the best either, but we'll help each other with that. We're struggling spiritually and financially, but we will make it with God's help.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Breath of Fresh Air/Breakthrough
I know, crazy to post twice in one day, but this one's worth it. My younger sister-in-law stayed with us this week, and my in-laws came to pick her up today. Upon their departure, I was grateful to have my husband back to myself again. We were putting things in the kitchen when we struck a conversation about being happy to be alone. Then it hit me: I'm not ready in some aspects, to have a baby. I am, but I'm not. I like having David all to myself, and I'm content. I'm truly content, which is what lesson God has been trying to teach me. I've never felt that way about having a family before. David's all mine until God says otherwise, and I'm okay with that. For the first time, I really do want to focus on my career instead of dueling with my maternal instincts. It's so funny, my mind can only focus on one thing at a time; it's been baby for a while and now it's back to writing. Maybe I'll be inspired again. I feel good. Relaxed. Happy. Wow, God sure has a funny way of doing things.
Roller Coaster Ride
I know I haven't been blogging in a while, but there's really been nothing worth writing about; until this week. At the beginning of the week I started feeling incredibly tired, nauseous, dizzy, and every other pregnancy symptom in the book. However, because of my history, I wanted to wait until at least four days after the day I was scheduled to start my monthly because I've been four days late before. So all week I've been feeling so sick and completely exhausted, especially yesterday (the day I was scheduled). Yesterday morning was the sickest I've felt all week. I was sure I was pregnant because I figured that had to be a sign. All through work that afternoon I was miserable! I wanted to curl up in a ball, cry, and fall asleep. Unfortunately I had let it slip the past few days to co-workers that I thought I might be pregnant but I wasn't sure yet. Well, this morning when I went to the bathroom, I discovered a tiny amount of light pink on the toilet paper. I was confused and a little worried. I kept checking and it hadn't changed, but then suddenly I didn't have to check the toilet paper anymore. I think it's safe to say I'm not pregnant. I called my mom to talk to her about it, and I started crying. I was 99.9% sure I was pregnant, and then this happens! I do think I'm better off not knowing for sure though. I'm just a little down this morning because of everything that's happened to me physically and emotionally. It's always a roller coaster ride for me, especially this time.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Fertility (history)
My fertility is a complicated, emotional subject. Let me start by saying I have wanted kids practically since puberty. I have always had that fire in me, and every time I saw a baby I squealed and just had to hold him/her. Whenever I was bored I would make or edit my list of baby names, and of course stuff a pillow under my shirt to see what I would like with a pregnant belly. Even when David and I were still dating we ironed out the names we wanted, which mostly came from my list.
Fast forward to being married for about 6 months; I caught the baby bug bad! I had been on birth control pills, so I quit taking those (unfortunately I was too excited and dumped half a month's worth into the toilet) after David agreed to try. So we started trying roughly in February and basically got pregnant right away. To say I was excited would be a gross understatement. I was ecstatic! I became obsessed with knowing everything about pregnancy, to the point of annoying David. I would watch all the pregnancy shows, read all the books, and my favorite thing to do was research. However, the one thing I refused to think about was if something went wrong with my pregnancy.
Since it was my first pregnancy, I didn't go to the ob/gyn until I was supposed to be about 12 or 13 weeks along. But that's when things started to go down hill. At the appointment, which was in early June, she tried to find a heartbeat but couldn't, and when she measured my uterus she said I was about 10 weeks, which was small but not necessarily a bad thing, so she scheduled an ultrasound. That was really exciting for me because that was what I really looked forward to (besides hearing the heartbeat). That Friday when David and I went to the ultrasound ( he had gone to the doctor too), they couldn't see anything-not even a sac. I was really scared so I got my levels taken again, and they ended up being negative. I had lost the baby. I found out the day before my birthday that I had had a missed miscarriage. It was devastating, to say the absolute least. It doesn't matter if you haven't felt the baby kick yet, or even hear the heartbeat; just knowing that there was baby inside you and it's gone, it's just crushing. It took me a long time to move on.
Thankfully, during that time I had a lot of support (since I told everyone I knew that I had gotten pregnant, I had to tell them the hard news). People I knew who had went through miscarriages I never knew about, and a close family friend I used to babysit for who had difficulties in the past, all helped me get through it. She also suggested I get my progesterone levels checked (the hormone that keeps the pregnancy going when it's a certain level). I figured it couldn't hurt, so I took her advice. Your progesterone level should be at minimum a 10, and mine was a 9.5. My doctor said I had/have what's called the luteal phase defect; this basically means that the time in my cycle when my body's natural hormone is supposed to launch from ovulation and carry through either until my period or a pregnancy can be sustained by the placenta. Once I figured that out, I learned I could go on hormones that would raise my levels so that a pregnancy would have a fighting chance. So I let my body heal for a while, then we started trying again. Around Christmas I was excitedly nervous when I got pregnant for the second time. David and I spent Christmas with my family and when I told my parents my mom couldn't have been happier (she screamed and jumped up and down). I knew the hormones were working because I was feeling the morning sickness and other symptoms. My hCG (the hormone that is only in a woman's body when she is pregnant) was 81, when the first time it was an 18. I was confident this time was going to "stick" as I call it. I was happy. However, my doctor still wanted me to get my levels checked, just to be sure. When we got back from staying the week with my parents I was tested. It wasn't good. I was going to have a chemical pregnancy, which means that the egg was fertilized but didn't implant. I had my period shortly after. It was just as devastating, if not more, than last time.
Once I finally moved on from that experience, my emotions toward getting pregnant has drastically changed. I try not to stress, and I know that even if I find out I'm pregnant, I won't be excited until I reach the second trimester with no issues. I went on and off hormones for a few months, because I tried a different hormone and it actually completely killed my sex drive. I took myself off of them.
I do need to say one thing though; all of my friends who have been married less time and are younger and have gotten pregnant quickly or easily, I do envy. I get jealous, but God and I are working on that. Through all this, I have yelled at God, questioned him; basically gone through the stages of grief. But without Him (and David, and all my support-but mostly God) I don't know how I would have made it through everything.
Recently I have decided to try to increase my hormone levels naturally (mostly because I couldn't get in to see the doctor until August [this month] and I didn't want to wait). So we will see what happens. Only God knows. Both of us really want to be parents so bad right now! We've already been told we would be great parents. We are ready whenever God is ready.
Fast forward to being married for about 6 months; I caught the baby bug bad! I had been on birth control pills, so I quit taking those (unfortunately I was too excited and dumped half a month's worth into the toilet) after David agreed to try. So we started trying roughly in February and basically got pregnant right away. To say I was excited would be a gross understatement. I was ecstatic! I became obsessed with knowing everything about pregnancy, to the point of annoying David. I would watch all the pregnancy shows, read all the books, and my favorite thing to do was research. However, the one thing I refused to think about was if something went wrong with my pregnancy.
Since it was my first pregnancy, I didn't go to the ob/gyn until I was supposed to be about 12 or 13 weeks along. But that's when things started to go down hill. At the appointment, which was in early June, she tried to find a heartbeat but couldn't, and when she measured my uterus she said I was about 10 weeks, which was small but not necessarily a bad thing, so she scheduled an ultrasound. That was really exciting for me because that was what I really looked forward to (besides hearing the heartbeat). That Friday when David and I went to the ultrasound ( he had gone to the doctor too), they couldn't see anything-not even a sac. I was really scared so I got my levels taken again, and they ended up being negative. I had lost the baby. I found out the day before my birthday that I had had a missed miscarriage. It was devastating, to say the absolute least. It doesn't matter if you haven't felt the baby kick yet, or even hear the heartbeat; just knowing that there was baby inside you and it's gone, it's just crushing. It took me a long time to move on.
Thankfully, during that time I had a lot of support (since I told everyone I knew that I had gotten pregnant, I had to tell them the hard news). People I knew who had went through miscarriages I never knew about, and a close family friend I used to babysit for who had difficulties in the past, all helped me get through it. She also suggested I get my progesterone levels checked (the hormone that keeps the pregnancy going when it's a certain level). I figured it couldn't hurt, so I took her advice. Your progesterone level should be at minimum a 10, and mine was a 9.5. My doctor said I had/have what's called the luteal phase defect; this basically means that the time in my cycle when my body's natural hormone is supposed to launch from ovulation and carry through either until my period or a pregnancy can be sustained by the placenta. Once I figured that out, I learned I could go on hormones that would raise my levels so that a pregnancy would have a fighting chance. So I let my body heal for a while, then we started trying again. Around Christmas I was excitedly nervous when I got pregnant for the second time. David and I spent Christmas with my family and when I told my parents my mom couldn't have been happier (she screamed and jumped up and down). I knew the hormones were working because I was feeling the morning sickness and other symptoms. My hCG (the hormone that is only in a woman's body when she is pregnant) was 81, when the first time it was an 18. I was confident this time was going to "stick" as I call it. I was happy. However, my doctor still wanted me to get my levels checked, just to be sure. When we got back from staying the week with my parents I was tested. It wasn't good. I was going to have a chemical pregnancy, which means that the egg was fertilized but didn't implant. I had my period shortly after. It was just as devastating, if not more, than last time.
Once I finally moved on from that experience, my emotions toward getting pregnant has drastically changed. I try not to stress, and I know that even if I find out I'm pregnant, I won't be excited until I reach the second trimester with no issues. I went on and off hormones for a few months, because I tried a different hormone and it actually completely killed my sex drive. I took myself off of them.
I do need to say one thing though; all of my friends who have been married less time and are younger and have gotten pregnant quickly or easily, I do envy. I get jealous, but God and I are working on that. Through all this, I have yelled at God, questioned him; basically gone through the stages of grief. But without Him (and David, and all my support-but mostly God) I don't know how I would have made it through everything.
Recently I have decided to try to increase my hormone levels naturally (mostly because I couldn't get in to see the doctor until August [this month] and I didn't want to wait). So we will see what happens. Only God knows. Both of us really want to be parents so bad right now! We've already been told we would be great parents. We are ready whenever God is ready.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Careers
Finding a job in our desired careers is proving to be next to impossible. For me, any writing job I could find was either medical or technical, so I figured I'd give it a shot because you have to start somewhere. However, the one problem I kept coming across was that every job I found said I should have at least one year experience in the field. I hate that because you can't get a job without experience and you can't gain experience without a job. It's a vicious cycle you can't win. I'm trying to find anything I can in writing, but it's a lot harder than you think. Even getting my masters seems to be harder since I'm apparently supposed to have written something big already to submit. The problem with that is, my whole goal was to take more classes so I can increase my knowledge to make my work better, which is what I thought masters classes were for. So it's that cycle again- need more knowledge in order to write better, but have to write something in order to get to where I need to be to get more knowledge!
David has sent out countless resumes to churches all over. Unfortunately the first "batch" was all rejects. Also unfortunately for him, he can't do much to gain experience until he gets a job, unless it's volunteering at church or something. He said something this morning in response to a realization I had about a previous email- we need to concentrate more on our careers more than our jobs, or we'll be stuck here for who knows how long.
I agree, but there's one thing I've just realized. If I'm not continuously immersed in or connected to my writing, it falls by the way side. That's why I want to take classes, so I can get that shove I need to get back into it. I seem to make good progress, then decide I'm done for a day or so, then life takes over and my writing sits in a corner for a while. I almost forget it's there. I don't want to do that. I think I need more discipline but I'm not sure how to do that. I also think part of the reason I'm so loose with it is because it's not my job yet. If I had a deadline I think it would help. I'm just realizing all this as I'm writing, which tells me something. It's like ideas come to me as I type, so maybe I just need to sit down and just type.
David has sent out countless resumes to churches all over. Unfortunately the first "batch" was all rejects. Also unfortunately for him, he can't do much to gain experience until he gets a job, unless it's volunteering at church or something. He said something this morning in response to a realization I had about a previous email- we need to concentrate more on our careers more than our jobs, or we'll be stuck here for who knows how long.
I agree, but there's one thing I've just realized. If I'm not continuously immersed in or connected to my writing, it falls by the way side. That's why I want to take classes, so I can get that shove I need to get back into it. I seem to make good progress, then decide I'm done for a day or so, then life takes over and my writing sits in a corner for a while. I almost forget it's there. I don't want to do that. I think I need more discipline but I'm not sure how to do that. I also think part of the reason I'm so loose with it is because it's not my job yet. If I had a deadline I think it would help. I'm just realizing all this as I'm writing, which tells me something. It's like ideas come to me as I type, so maybe I just need to sit down and just type.
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